So, you want to know about “The Game,” do you? I suspect that you’re looking at the length of this article and asking, “are you sure it’s this complicated?”
Rest assured, there are a lot of moving parts to “The Game,” and knowing about them will make your sexual experience far more enjoyable (or likely if you aren’t currently having sex). Today I’m going to give you the complete rundown which includes reasons why we should have sex, reasons we should NOT have sex, some helpful things to know before we begin attracting our mate, how to attract our mate, what we do once they’re interested, how to give them a good time once they’re in bed, some of the best things we can do after the deed is done, and some nifty things to try after the memorable night.
Are you ready to open the door of discovery? Let’s begin.
- Why Having Sex Is So Important
- Reasons NOT To Have Sex
- Helpful Things To Know
- 17 Genuine Qualities and Skills That Make You Attractive
- When They’re Interested…
- Some Don’t Dos
- Once You’re In Bed…
- Other Things To Try
Why Having Sex Is So Important
We want to have it, but why exactly?
The main reason is because sex feels good: it triggers chemicals and endorphins such as dopamine, acetylcholine, adrenaline, oxytocin, phenlyethyamine, serotonin, and testosterone. These chemicals are responsible for making us feel amazing! In case you’re wondering, the chemical that makes our sex drive go down after the men finish is called “prolactin;” it sharply rises after orgasm and lets us logically assess our life again.
Besides the release of these healthy chemicals sex is important for a number of reasons: it’s a moderate workout, which means it’s akin to a brisk walk up a flight of stairs. You’re less likely to develop heart disease the more often you have sex. The chemicals mentioned above will help with your headaches. It can increase the amount of antibodies in your body, which makes it an immune booster. It encourages us to eat certain healthy foods (avocados, pomegranates, oysters, chocolate, spinach, watermelon, strawberries, coffee, tea, maca, fish high in omega-3, etc) that help us become turned on. Trust and connection lowers stress, so if you feel this way towards your partner then sex can lower stress as well. Sex can be good for your mental health and it’s very good for your long-term physical health.
And, of course, it makes us happy. It can also build love, fearlessness and confidence depending on the circumstances. I suppose we have enough reasoning, let’s move on to the next section!
Reasons NOT To Have Sex
There are a couple reasons why we shouldn’t have sex. While sex can feel very good and be an amazing healing experience, it can be harmful when done under these conditions:
-Don’t have sex if you’re using it to compensate for the problems in your life. I see this a lot with trauma-survivors; it’s terrible that they went through what they went through, but then they sleep around and try to heal their trauma with their partner instead of healing their trauma through extensive therapy and self-psychoanalysis. This is extremely unhealthy for both parties and it’s one of the main reasons we shouldn’t be having sex.
-Don’t have sex if all you want to do is boost your ego. Yes, this includes revenge sex! I’m not totally against ego-boosting, but I often hear of people who sleep around just to “get their number up.” In other words, they don’t really care about the people they’re sleeping with, they only care about themselves and what they’re trying to accomplish. This is a turn-off for most people, and I recommend having sex only if you’re concerned with your partner’s well-being as well as your own.
-Don’t have sex if you’re desperate to have sex. If you’re desperate to have sex then I suspect that you’re deeply afraid of something since desperation is connected to neediness, and neediness is connected to fear. I suggest asking yourself, “Why am I so desperate about having sex?” and answering this question honestly before deciding on what you want to do.
Helpful Things To Know
Before we get to the meat and potatoes we’ll cover some things that are helpful to know before we “go for it.” For example, knowing whether or not our partner (or future partner) wants to have sex with us is a crucial piece of information, and there are many other pieces of information that make all of the difference.
Know How To Find Your Partner’s Sexual Desire Towards You
…without being pushy. This process varies depending on how far into your relationship you are, but as a general rule there are ways in which we can do this:
-Pay attention to the signs. Often the person we’re interested in will exhibit signs when they’re also interested in us. Look for excessive nervousness or excessive calmness, excessive shyness or excessive boldness. Notice if they close the physical distance between you, and especially if they go out of their way to talk to you. Notice when a man tries to prove himself, and when a woman prunes herself and bites her bottom lip. Notice when a woman sticks out her neck towards you, and when a man goes out of his way to spend time with you. Notice if they feel comfortable and relaxed around you. Notice if you get “sexts” from them
If they aren’t attracted to you then notice when they cross their arms while they’re talking to you. Notice the disinterested tone in their voice. Notice if they use a physical barrier (such as a wall or a couch) to separate themselves from you. Notice if they aren’t turned towards you when they’re talking to you. Notice if you don’t get any “sexts” from them.
-Ask them directly. If you feel comfortable doing this, ask them directly and get them to get their honest opinion of you. Be ready for any answer you receive! You want to know, after all!
-Observe them and how they live. Don’t be a stalker, obviously, just pay attention. Is the person you’re interested in displaying personality traits that match up with yours? Is their house exactly the way you have (or want) your house? Do you have many things in common? What about the people they’re around? What about their parents and their siblings? You can observe from the outside, see how they act and who they’re friends with, and make a guesstimate as to how compatible the two of you really are.
Once you know (or at least have a good guess) if they’re interested in you or not, you can act in a much more appropriate way. If they aren’t interested in you then it’s not the end of the world – you can develop your attractive qualities, observe them and make solid conclusions about how to act towards them, then carry those actions out. If they are interested in you then you should do a combination of going with the flow and observing who they are so that you can act accordingly towards them.
It’s important to know that our sex drive and sexual pleasure are greatly affected by our expectations of what sex should be like. Also, our sexual preferences are greatly impacted by our expectations of life in general. For example, if you subconsciously expect people to be kind to you then it will seem like “bad behavior” when people are mean or rude to you. Or, if you expect to be able to relax after a long day at work and your partner wants to sit with you and talk, you will probably become annoyed and find them unattractive in the moment.
This translates into knowing our own expectations for sex, and life in general. What do we want? What do we need? What do we find a turn-on, and what is a turn-off? Knowing ourselves in this way will not only increase our chances of becoming more open-minded and open to the sexual preferences of our partner without breeding resentment, but this knowledge helps decrease our anger since anger arises from unmet (and unrespected) expectations.
Safe Sex Is The Best Sex
Personally, I enjoy using condoms because they actually make sex feel better, not worse. Plus, you’re giving yourself and your partner peace of mind when you practice safe sex!
Some options for having safe sex include male and female condoms, latex and nitrile gloves, and dental dams. Also, being exclusive to each-other and regularly testing for STDs will greatly reduce the risk of STDs occurring.
Don’t be embarrassed to know your condom size – there are three: slim fit, regular size, and large size. Each of these sizes are available as high-quality condoms that actually help you enjoy sex, unlike the condoms you find at your local gas station. Women’s condoms are also available if you feel so inclined!
Know How To Satisfy With Orgasms!
It’s important to know how to satisfy each-other with orgasms! I feel it goes without saying that quality is valued over quantity. Satisfying your partner with more than one orgasm is something I’ll never discourage, however it’s always better to have the mindset of “quality over quantity” in this scenario and to be pleasantly surprised if and when both of you receive quality and quantity at the same time!
Before your seduction leads to the bedroom it’s worth knowing a little bit of anatomy: the labia majora and the labia minora are the “lips” that comprise much of the vulva. It’s worth being careful around the lips because they keep bacteria and other unwanted pathogens outside! Above the lips is the clitoris, and the clitoris has double the amount of nerve endings than the tip of the penis does – in other words, it’s very, extremely sensitive! Knowing how much pressure to apply to your woman’s clitoris, at what time, and for how long is an art, and I suggest communicating about it if you’re unsure or if you’ve had difficulties in the past.
The vagina is the tube inside of the vulva, and typically it’s 4-7 inches in length. Behind the vagina is the cervix, and this is the thing that many women want left alone! Don’t hit it when the going gets good.
Also, the pelvic area has four nervous pathways that orgasims can travel through, and different sex positions can and will stimulate these different channels. So, make sure you’re able and ready to try a variety of positions with your partner (see more about that below[internal link]). Strengthening your PC (pubococcygeus) muscles can help you have more intense orgasms since these are the main muscles that contract when the climax hits!
But what if you’re a woman looking to please her man? Well, most of the shaft (from the bulbar urethra to the urethral glands) feels very good, but the nerve endings increase from the urethral glands all the way to the tip of the penis, which means the tip and the underside of the penis (right next to the tip) are the most sensitive and deserve a little extra love ;).
Some men find it enjoyable when the very bottom of the shaft (the intermediate part of urethra) is stimulated, and some men also enjoy having their testicles stimulated. The same goes for our other hole, but make sure to talk with your man before taking initiative on that one!
And last but not least, try to be as open-minded as possible. When you’re open-minded you tend to be more creative, and when you’re more creative you can think of more ways to stimulate your partner (and be stimulated by your partner) in ways oh so pleasant.
Know All Kinds of Positions
It’s helpful to know about all different kinds of positions for a variety of reasons. Each position is meant to bring pleasure to you and/or your partner, and different positions pleasure different parts of your sex. Here is a detailed infographic to give you some ideas, and I recommend doing some more research on this topic if you’re interested (maybe I’ll compile the ultimate list of sex positions if you guys ask for it!).
Know The Different Ways of Having Sex
As we all know there are different ways of having sex. Some of us prefer rough, sex, some us prefer gentle sex, some of us want to make love, be kinky, be passionate, or any combination of the five. It’s important to know which kind of sex our partner prefers, and it’s also important to know which kind of sex you prefer.
Guys, if you are having trouble knowing the “rhythmic preference” of your partner, or if the opportunity hasn’t arisen to ask, then it’s worth knowing that rhythm and adequate response are the main ingredients for a healthy sexual experience! Being able to start and finish a pleasurable rhythm while responding to the communication you’re receiving from your partner in a pleasurable way makes for the best kind of sex.
And guys, while we’re at it it’s worth mentioning that spontaneity isn’t a terrible thing either! If you stay spontaneous in the bedroom (IE, not participating in the same rhythm over and over again) then you’ll be much more adventurous, and who doesn’t love an adventure? Start slowly and quicken the pace faster than you normally would, then slow down again. Start quickly, slow down, pretend like you’ll speed up, and continue to go slow. Delay her orgasm until she’s literally begging you to let her finish. Quickly change positions when she least expects it. Being spontanious is fun and easy, and it’s what most of us really enjoy most about sex.
(By the way, the most spontaneous spontaneity often comes from careful planning. Don’t tell anyone I told you!)
Birth Control Can Affect Sex Drive
If she’s on birth control then her hormones can be out of sync. This is especially true if she just took her emergency pill, her hormones may be VERY out of sync for a week, or possibly longer.
Okay, now we know the basics and beyond, things we really should know before we develop our attractive qualities. The next section is all about the qualities that attract quality mates, and the idea is that developing these qualities within yourself will give you a better life and make you attractive to quality people.
These qualities are for attracting QUALITY mates – I could be lame and say that you need good looks, a nice car, and lots of money, but all kinds of people are attracted to that – instead, I suggest developing qualities that can only be noticed and appreciated by people who are psychologically healthy, thereby creating a kind of “filter” that you can see potential mates from. Do they have self-confidence? Are they psychologically healthy? Do they have strong mental willpower? Developing/furthering these qualities within yourself will make it 10x easier to spot these qualities in other people, and being able to do this is crucial for having healthy sexual relationships. Alright, here we go!
17 Qualities and Skills That Make You Genuinely Attractive
Strong, Uncomparing, Unbreakable Self-Worth
…also known as confidence. This is, without a doubt, the most important quality you can develop if you want to attract a quality mate, whether they’re male or female. It can also be one of the most difficult qualities to develop, which is why I want to spend a good deal of time writing this section.
I feel like our culture’s view on confidence is fairly incorrect. I feel like modern day spirituality’s view on confidence is also incorrect. Confidence, at its fundamental core, is a feeling, and it’s a feeling felt in your solar plexus (right below your chest and right above your large intestine). It’s enabled by beliefs such as “I am valuable,” “I am good,” I am amazing,” I am worthy,” and it’s opposite (fear/insecurity) is enabled by beliefs such as “I am worthless,” “I am no good,” so on and so forth.
When two of us feel each-other out one of the first things we notice is usually confidence or fear. Do they seem nervous? Do they seem obsessive? Or do they seem happy? Do they seem relaxed? Or content? When we notice fear in someone we don’t know exactly why they’re afraid until we ask them, and when we notice confidence in someone we don’t know exactly why they’re confident until we ask them. That’s partially why it’s so important to cultivate the feeling of confidence; other people can sense it right off the bat, and it’s a very desirable feeling to feel, so it will attract more people than it will repel. Fear, on the other hand, points towards inadequacy, and fear + inadequacy is not very attractive.
I don’t subscribe to the belief that confidence is “something egoic” and something “to be transcended from.” This may be some people’s spiritual journey, however I want to be very skeptical of any spiritual practice that wishes to transcend a pleasant feeling that’s produced by our own bodies, especially if they don’t offer an alternative to “transcend into” that’s actually worth transcending into. Instead I offer an alternative; we write down our fears and insecurities, then present ourselves with solutions that, when followed through, disprove our fears. Our fears, after all, are thoughts and feelings that are giving us a certain message. “You don’t want to approach them, they’ll probably reject you.” “You probably shouldn’t go for that promotion, you can’t handle the responsibility.” “If I don’t get everything done today something terrible will happen.” Challenging these thoughts (and the feelings they produce) with your logical mind will give you the opportunity to disprove your fears, which is especially helpful if you’ve already disproved your fears with past experience, plan to disprove them with future action, or if you simply want to “disidentify” with your fear so that it doesn’t hold any power over you.
Once you disprove your fears the mental thought patterns will stop (or not be so strong), and confidence often takes its place automatically. Now, I’m not talking about egotistical pride, I’m not talking about arrogance or cockiness, but simply the feeling of “I am amazing and I don’t need to prove it to anybody.” “I’m awesome and I don’t need to compare myself to anybody.” This is the kind of confidence that everybody loves to have and be around, and it’s the #1 thing that quality people look for in a mate.
Mental strength is a close runner up to genuine self-confidence, and it’s quite the attractive quality indeed!
Mental strength is where we control our own thoughts and feelings. Often we give our power away to other things and other people without even knowing it, and someone who has mental strength doesn’t give their power to other people or things. These people probably feel very positive and are probably very successful due to their abundance of positive beliefs and absence of negative beliefs. However, they didn’t get there overnight! Mental strength is something that has to be cultivated and practiced, tested and tested again so that you can be very mentally strong.
This is a very subjective process, and a great way to start building mental strength is to develop a strong sense of discipline. Discipline leads to positive consequences, and it can be very hard to cultivate discipline because of… “Other” psychic processes that get in the way. Often these psychic processes should be recognized and logically dealt with, especially if they are negative and produce negative emotions. However I’m already in the land of assumption, so if you’d like, I suggest building your mental strength in whatever way suits you best!
One of the most important reasons to build mental strength is so that you can restrain your desire. I’m not talking about restraining desire to the point of resentment… That’s part of building mental strength, being about to restrain desire without cultivating resentment. Restraining your desire is important in seduction and especially in bed; if you don’t restrain your desire to orgasm then holding a sexy rhythm is next to impossible! And as we know, sexy rhythm is where it’s really at, so building mental strength is incredible for that reason alone!
Always Being Prepared
Always be prepared with condoms, pills, and other safety equipment before taking serious initiative! It’s quite embarrassing to develop all of these qualities, find a quality partner who wants to do the deed, and get to your bedroom without any of the essentials on hand. I suggest buying quality products since they’ll help you feel better and have a higher chance of keeping the both of you safe when compared to pharmacy products :).
Being Able To Observe and Think Creatively
Being able to observe and think creatively doesn’t have much external showing like confidence does, but it really does exhibit a kind of sexiness that’s rare in this day and age.
Imagine two men with exactly the same attributes – confidence, mental willpower, and exquisite taste – except one is able to observe and think about what their partner wants, whereas the other is not. They may both be able to please their woman, however the man who is able to observe will have an easier time acting “correctly” with their partner because they know who they are, what they like, and what they want. And since he can also think creatively he will have an easier time being spontaneous, an easier time being open-minded to who she is, and more willing to give her what they want.
These aren’t just gifts given to a select few – observing your partner is as easy as noticing what kind of clothing they wear, what kind of things they like, what they talk about, how they talk about it. You can easily write all of these things down or put them in your phone for future reference. And creativity can be cultivated as well, you can cultivate a plan for appearing spontaneous in bed and be practicing creative thinking.
I recommend being able to observe and think creatively BEFORE seducing, that way your skills are already built and you’re ready to just go for it!
Being Able To Heal Yourself and Others
The ability to heal yourself and others (psychologically) is another great value that’s worth cultivating for people who wish to be healed. In fact, if you know that you/your partner experienced trauma earlier in your life then wanting to be healed is a sign of psychological health, whereas the opposite is true.
Not everyone has to cultivate this skill, and if you feel like you do then I suggest becoming your own therapist first – if and when you successfully heal yourself then you’ll have a much higher likelihood of being able to heal other people as well. There’s a lot more to it than this, but I suggest doing some research/practice if you’d like to cultivate this rare and valuable skill.
Not Having Any Expectations
Not having any expectations is not an attractive trait so much as it’s an absence of a particular potential emotion – anger. Anger arises from unmet and unrespected psychological expectations, and having no expectations means… Well, no anger!
“But Gabriel,” I hear you furiously typing, “if I don’t have expectations then I won’t get anything! I have to expect something so that I can work for it and achieve it. Besides, I don’t buy the idea that anger arises from unmet expectations, anger is just a thing that happens anyway!”
It’s my pleasure to give you an example: Let’s say that we have a couple who have a history of being angry with each-other. Let’s call them Mary and John. John is old-school and Mary is not, so John comes home from work and sits down to watch some TV while Mary asks him to do things around the house with her. John says “no, I just got home from work, let me relax a little bit.”
Now, does Mary expect him to help around the house? Since she asked him to help her then yes, she expects him to help her. John said “no,” which means he is not doing what she expects him to do, so her expectation is not respected.
Mary has a few choices now: she can become resentful, she can become angry, or she can accept her husband’s reply with a cheery attitude and a smile on her face. Unfortunately, most of our expectations are subconscious, which means when they’re violated we don’t even know about it. When our expectations are violated and we don’t even know about it, our subconscious mind tends to think, “Unmet and unrespected expectation equals no power, which equals fear, which equals anger” in a split, split second. So it’s more than likely that Mary will respond with something like,
“John! Help me! You never do anything around the house anyway!”
Now John’s expectation has been unrespected, and it’s more than likely that his subconscious mind went through the same process that hers did, so he responds with, “Let me relax honey! I’m tired after a long day at work!” Then it’s likely she’ll respond in anger, and on and on until the argument is over.
I doubt you have anger issues like the people in my story, however the principle still stands: unmet expectations can lead to anger if left unchecked. So, perhaps it’s okay to have expectations for yourself and other people, but being able to accept that your expectations will sometimes be unmet and unrespected (without becoming angry) cultivates a kind of seductive aura around you.
Trust, Trust, Trust!
You can make a pretty good argument that trust is the exact opposite of fear! If you trust someone then you bring them closer and get them involved in your life, whereas if you fear them you’ll push them away and hide aspects of your life from them.
The quality to build here is unshakable trust in yourself, the reason being that you want your potential mate to sense it when they feel you out. They might think, “Oh I can trust this person” when really they’re sensing the feeling of “trust” emanating off of you.
Cultivating a feeling of unshakable trust is an amazing idea for pretty much every aspect of your life, and not just for attracting a quality mate. The less fear you feel, the greater the quality of your life in general!
Naw just kidding, you can do it by repeating “I choose to trust myself” “I choose to cultivate the feeling of trust” to yourself as long as it takes. Beliefs and feelings are strengthened by repetition, so repeating “I choose to trust myself” will strengthen your feeling of trust the more you repeat it. This is really how you attract a mate, it’s by cultivating positive beliefs and feelings that are nigh near unshakable :).
Being Able To Form and Maintain Positive Connection
The ability to form and maintain a positive connection with your potential partner is one that can be cultivated. It’s also, quite obviously I think, essential for having meaningful sexual experiences.
Positive connection can arise from bonding, and bonding arises from shared positive experiences. How you and your partner do this is up to you, but trust, humor, and confidence are definitely a large part of a healthy relationship, so cultivating those feelings consistently and often will definitely help!
Being There For Them As a Person
Being able to be there for them as a person, and being interested in their mind, what they think, believe, what their opinions are, and what comprises their personality is an extremely attractive trait. No quality mate (well, almost no quality mate) wants to be thought of as just another sleep-around when it comes down to it. Treat them like the beauty they are!
Most quality mates want loyalty, unless open relationships have been discussed beforehand. They want to know that you are there for them, and the ability to make them feel at ease puts you miles ahead of the competition!
Being Challenging/A Challenge
Most of us like a good ol’ fashioned challenge. This goes hand-in-hand with being able to control your desires since you’ll have to say and do things that “put it off” until a little while later. And besides, knowing how to challenge your partner will help you know when they’re challenging you, and you’ll have an easier time “passing” then if you aren’t “in the know.”
For example, if you’re a guy and you meet someone who’s interested in you, something you can say will sound like “you’re so attractive, It’s too bad I have to leave now” in a subtly flirtatious tone. If she’s keen on the game you’re playing she might respond with something like, “I’m sure I’ll see you around… Big boy” as she looks at your pants. This is her challenge to you, she wants to see whether or not you can resist her advances. If both of you pass each-other’s tests then you’ll be far more attracted to each-other than if nothing happened at all.
Don’t be afraid to challenge your partner; it’s human nature to give and receive challenges! I feel like our society only deems it acceptable if the woman initiates the challenge, but the secret is both genders love a hearty challenge! We’re biologically wired to value the things we work for.
When you challenge them they’ll either love it, accept it, or find offense to it. Either response tells you a little of who they are under the surface, and this information is vital to understanding your partner, and understanding leads to the ability to act accordingly with them.
You can either challenge your partner directly or you can build yourself and experience your life in a way that you’ll passively seem like a challenge to your partner. This mostly consists of valuing yourself (like we talked about in a section above), having a life that’s valuable, rich, and enjoyable, keeping some aspects hidden to invoke a sense of mystery (which is connected to being able to restrain your desires), giving them space to think and fantasize about you (unless you’re already in a long term relationship), showing the correct amount of interest (ever so slightly back away when you see they’re gaining interest in you), letting them get (playfully) riled up and making a few moves of their own… Being able to correctly challenge your partner is, well, a challenge, and if you have the ability to do this then you won’t only be seen as desirable, you’ll be seen as confident, funny, engaging, sexy, and at times infuriating!
Being Able to “Sext” Properly
We all know the value of seducing our mate in person, and now that we have advanced technology it begs the question – how does one call and text their mate, exactly?
While technology opens up a ton of opportunities it can be difficult to seduce over the phone compared to seducing in-person. However, you still have three key elements on your side – time, what you say, and how you say it.
Don’t forget that when you text you have two ways of conveying your message – you can convey it through text, picture, gif, and video (“how you say it”). Being able to send an adequate picture in place of a text is sure to get them to smile or laugh. You can also take your time to craft your message, and since you aren’t in-person with this person you have the ability to create space with them (as we mentioned in the previous point). I recommend keeping an adequate amount of time between flirtatious exchanges, developing the ability to replace words with pictures and videos, and crafting what you want to say so that it sounds as enticing and genuine as it can possibly be. For example, if they send something, write a response in your notes, leave it, come back to it in however long you want to wait, and edit it to your liking. This way you’re knocking out two birds with one stone!
Sexting isn’t easy, it’s almost an art form in and of itself, however mastery of this art form will give you the ability to contact them at just the right times while saying just the right things, which is an extremely attractive quality to possess.
Being Courteous (Not Nice!)
If you’re a man, be a gentleman and if you’re a woman, be a lady, especially when your relationship is new and budding. Even the great seducers of their time, such as Valentino, knew exactly how to be a gentleman to a woman and he acted this way quite frequently. Cleopatra knew how to be a lady around those she wished to seduce, and we can apply these qualities in modern life as well, especially if we feel respectful while we’re acting like gentlemen and ladies.
Having a clean environment (as well as a clean body) makes you more attractive than those who do not have clean environments (or clean bodies). I assume most of us know this, however I also want to point out that the willingness to be clean and to consistently clean the spaces we’re responsible for is almost as attractive as the cleanliness itself. It shows that you enjoy taking care of yourself, and if you enjoy taking care of yourself then you probably enjoy taking care of other people as well.
Being Able to Go On a Proper Date
The ability to go on a proper date is quite fundamental to convincing your partner in the first place, and consistent dates afterwards (even if you’re married) are a great way to be spontaneous and show them that you care about them!
Being confident is important on the first few dates because this is the quality that most people want more than anything. Well, besides the fact that being confident is amazing for your well-being anyway. However some other tips for a great date include dressing for the occasion, noting whether or not they’re comfortable sitting next to you as opposed to sitting across from you, being able to communicate easily and positively, being able to pay for the date (and not mind who ends up paying for it), being able to make them laugh, and being able to connect and have a good time.
Having a successful, positive date requires the ability to do many other things, so being able to give them a fantastic time and truly interest them in another date is quite the skill indeed. This one will take some practice, and I recommend developing the skills I mentioned above so that your dating life can be as rich and meaningful as possible!
Being Able To Cultivate Set and Setting
Have a location in mind and be able to set the mood. While this is sort of a “next step” kind of ability it’s also helpful to know how to do this before it actually happens. If you’re a man, know what women generally enjoy, and if you’re a woman, know what men generally enjoy. Buy what you need before you need it so that you have it on hand, and adapt your knowledge to your particular partner’s preferences (by observing who they are). Music can make or break the mood, which is why it’s important to choose your music based on the context of the situation along with what your partner preferences. I won’t link any playlists here since you’ll benefit from creating your own playlist, but I suggest doing all of this in advance so that when the time is right you’ll be ready.
Being Confident In How Long You Last (As The Man)!
And last but not least, being confident in how long you last as the man is important. This may already describe you, but if it doesn’t then practicing breath control every day will help with how long you last, when escalated properly.
Let’s take five deep breaths so that we can get started. 1… 2… 3… 4… 5. Take some more if you’d like to, I recommend deep-breathing for a minimum of 10 minutes per day and throughout the day as much as you can remember. When you’re comfortable with deep-breathing while sitting or lying down, practice deep-breathing while you’re thrusting, either with or without your partner. This will train you to stay as relaxed as possible even while you’re doing the deed! You can also practice deep-breathing while you’re masterbating so that you can achieve the same effect.
The reason for doing this is because deep breathing relieves stress. When you’re stressed your muscles tense, and your tense muscles encourage you to either orgasm quickly, or to not orgasm at all. Either way, deep breathing helps to counter this, and especially deep breathing while performing sexual acts.
Another way to last longer is psychological intent. If you think, “I have to finish right now!” you’ll probably act out your psychological intent (the intent to finish). This means that the psychological intent to “hold off as long as possible” will likely have the opposite effect.
While there are more attractive qualities and skills you can develop, developing even half of what’s listed above will put you leagues ahead of the competition. I recommend working on what stood out the most to you, and working on any qualities that you personally want to develop.
After you’ve developed yourself a little bit you’ll find that the other sex will become a little more interested in you. Once they become interested the next step can begin, and mostly it’s all about finding what they enjoy and figuring out how to give them what they like. If you’re in a relationship you may know these techniques already, however it’s always advantageous to diversify your toolkit, and this is one of the last sections before we get to the good stuff.
When They’re Interested…
Here’s How You’ll Know If They’re Interested
Okay, so you’ve developed some pretty attractive qualities and you have a quality someone who’s interested in you! You’ve been going out on dates and having a splendid time with each-other, and you want to know if they’re interested in having sex with you.
How do you know for sure if they’re interested in you or not? Like I mentioned in the “Helpful Things to Know” section it’s important to pay attention to the signs they’re giving off. Does their face turn red when they talk to you? Do you notice a sexy tinge in their voice? Do their beliefs prevent them from having sex? Is their entire person screaming for it? Being able to read the signs and act accordingly is the best way to answer this question, and if they don’t want it with you then it’s best to be patient for a variety of reasons.
Another thing you can do is approach them gently and without seeming desperate. Being able to ask what their sexual desires are without being pushy, desperate, or creepy is an extremely helpful skill in this regard, one that takes a lot of tact and a lot of practice.
You can ask them, “What do you like? What do you not like? What are your fetishes? What are your fantasies?” If they’re truly interested they’ll engage with you, especially if you’ve been having fun with them up until this point. If they aren’t, they’ll more than likely be indifferent towards these kinds of questions. Either response tells you a vital piece of information that you ought to know before moving on to the next steps. Figure out if they’re interested in getting down with you and figure out as much about their sexual preferences as you possibly can!
For example, once you know they’re interested in you, discuss different sex positions with them: This website has some pretty steamy positions to try out, and and I recommend sitting down with your partner and swiping through them, seeing which ones you like the most. There is also an infographic in this article with a ton of positions as well, just so that you won’t run out of ideas anytime soon.
Talk about dirty talk. What do both of you like? What are both of you turned on and off by? Set boundaries and don’t fake it, mean that dirty talk!
Talk about fantasies. Are there any fantasies that both of you want to play out? Are both of you okay with playing out these fantasies?
And, is there anything else you’d like to talk about? Or is it time to do it already… ;).
Play Hard To Get
Playing hard to get can be extremely attractive since both of you are interested in each-other. Passionately kissing and then pulling away while talking to them works very well since it shows that you have control over your desires, but that you want them at the same time. Touch them and caress them, and when it gets steamy ask them, “are you sure you’re ready?” Then go for it!
Don’t Be Afraid To Talk About The ‘P’ Word!
If the opportunity arises, talk about couples porn (watching porn together). Watching porn together can be extremely arousing, especially if there are videos or pornstars that both of you enjoy watching in your spare time. Emulating what they do can be fun as well, as long as it isn’t too difficult to get into some of those wacky positions.
Some Don’t Dos
–Don’t pressure them into answering your questions about sex. Pressure is akin to fear, and fear is the opposite of love since love wants to include and fear wants to exclude.
If you feel like it’s too early in your relationship to ask these questions then wait a little while longer until they’re ready. If you’ve asked them and they didn’t really answer you, don’t act on your impatience and wait to see what happens. I promise, the less the both of you are pressured (whether it’s about sex or anything else in your life) the better off your life will be.
–If they say no after saying yes then this points to an uncertainty within their being. Maybe they’ve been burned in the past, maybe they aren’t in the mood, or maybe they aren’t feeling very confident (or trusting). Since you aren’t desperate or obsessed with sex this may come with a surge of anger, but also a loving understanding since you know they aren’t quite ready yet.
–Don’t build a connection with someone just to have sex with them. Physical and emotional connection is sacred, and connecting with someone just for the end-goal of sex isn’t usually a fabulous idea, connect with them because they are genuinely attractive and because they are a quality person first, and think about sex later!
Okay, now for the good stuff!
Once You’re In Bed…
So, you developed your attractive qualities, you figured out what they like in bed, and it’s on – like, right now. What’s next?
–The first piece of advice is disregard everything you see in this article if the situation calls for something different! That’s a more fancy way of saying, “go with the flow.” Do what feels right in the moment because, more than likely, it’s going to feel good for them as well. Once “the fire is burning” in both of you it’s going to be very difficult to do something that extinguishes it since both of you will automatically act in a way that keeps it going.
–Kiss and caress them! This is an incredible way to build tension before releasing it later on. If this hasn’t happened automatically then I suggest initiating it and going at it for as long as possible.
–A lot of foreplay. Like, a lot! If you’ve discussed your preferences beforehand then now is the time to give each-other what you want and build as much tension as you possibly can.Take your time. Kiss and caress. Feel each-other. Find a rhythm. Now is the time for oral sex. The idea is to hold out for as long as possible before penetration because this gives you time to be accustomed to each-other, and this also gives you time to relax with each-other as much as possible.
When you’re turned on almost every part of your body is an erogenous zone, especially if you’re the lady. Yes, massaging the important parts is important, but don’t forget about the belly, chest, arms, legs, face, neck, back, and shoulders!
I don’t believe anyone mentions the following online, so get ready for a A Fine Time exclusive! If you place your hand on the lower portion of your throat, right above your collarbone, you’ll eventually find a nerve called the “transverse cervical vein.” This vein is huge, it’s present at the bottom of your neck, goes all the way up both sides of your face, and connects to the “cavernous sinus” inside of your skull. It’s one hell of a vein.
You’ll find it when you’re feeling the bottom of your neck and it suddenly feels… Very, very good. This is one of the most important sensational triggers, and hardly anyone knows about it! Use this information when you’re giving your partner the good ol’ feel down – they may look confused at first, but when you find it they’ll understand ;).
–Genuine compliments. Noises of appreciation. Moans and groans from both sides. Usually these come naturally, but if they don’t then I suggest making it a point to let your partner know they’re doing a good job – and don’t be afraid to tell them if they aren’t! This can be the hottest part of your experience and compliments/noises of appreciation from both sides can make all the difference between an experience neither of you can forget and… Well, the opposite!
–Give them what they want. If you don’t know what they want, ask them if the spark isn’t turning into a fire automatically. If both of you know what you’re doing then you don’t have to give them what they want if they like it when their partner doesn’t give them what they desire. Otherwise, giving them what they want is a great idea!
–Pick the right moment. The right moment to penetrate is often mutually felt, and when it’s time it’s time. Too early or too late, however, and some of the magic will be lost – just trust that you’ll know when the time is right, it’s a “feel it out in the moment” kind of deal! If you’re the man then trying to find the vagina with your penis can be painful for women, so insert it without searching for it or ask her exactly where it is.
–Once you’re in, get a rhythm going, which is easy if you have music playing. Listen for cues from your partner and stay the same, speed up, or slow down depending on how they respond. If this isn’t your first time with her then mix it up, be as spontaneous as possible. Alternatively, if both of you have decided on what you want to do beforehand, you can go ahead and do that instead of initiating a rhythm.
–Pay attention to your partner during sex and act accordingly. If the moans are dying down try something new. If they tell you something, respond to it. Sex is a give-and-take, doing what you want and what your partner wants, so being able to give and receive communication during the act is one of the best ways to have sex.
–Keep things unpredictable. Keep things spontaneous. Always make sure you have something new to spice things up, especially when you’re already in bed with each-other. Indulge in your desires, but don’t be afraid to try something new when the time is appropriate!
–Once climax is complete, allow yourselves to be in the state of elation for as long as possible. Tell each-other how good the experience was, and simply be in the moment for as long as the feeling lasts.
So, you’ve climaxed! What now?
-Always cuddle with each-other after you’re done. Always. Right after climax comes a hormone called oxytocin, and oxytocin is what we call the “bonding hormone.” And of course, we love to bond with each-other!
-Don’t make it awkward – laugh a little, flirt with them, give something to them. Don’t let the anxiety flow in too quickly (or at all if you can help it).
-This is a great time to talk about what you loved and what you want your partner to do differently in the future. Patience is key here, especially if you’re in a long-term relationship, and talking about what you loved and what you want to change while the both of you feel amazing is the best
-And of course, dispose of your protection properly – aka in the trash.
Other Things To Try
So congratulations, you just had amazing, mind-blowing sex! In fact, the sex was so good that your partner wants to do it again, and they even want to try some things that neither of you have tried before. What are these new things to try, though? How do you go to the next level while keeping the tension and fire in your sexual adventures? I have some ideas for you, take a look at the list I’ve compiled below!
The word “tantra” is derived from Sanskrit and means “web” or to “weave” [energy]. Tantric sex is more about connection then it is about sex itself, however tantric sex practices are designed to give both of you sex so mind-blowing that you transcend the sexual and spiritual planes of existence. It’s designed to build connection even after the act is over, so I suggest giving it a try!
If you haven’t tried this yet then I suggest doing so! Some couples love it and some couples can go without, but you never know unless you try. Wash each-other’s bodies and get hot and steamy inside of the shower!
Try some sexy games as well as couples trivia games. There are adult board games out there such as Talk Flirt Dare, Dirty Deeds, and I Dare You that get both of you in the mood when you play them! There’s also sexy Jenga and strip poker, which are two of the more popular ones!. Most adult games are quite inexpensive, only $20 or so, and they help keep things spontaneous for sure.
Pick up some sex books! Some books are written to give you and your partner ideas (such as Position of the Day) whereas others are written as erotica and meant to be enjoyed in fantasy. Listening to an erotic audiobook together is a great way to get in the mood, so I definitely recommend grabbing a few that catch your eye.
Set Challenges With Rewards and Punishments
For example, the challenge is to set a new PR for the amount of orgasms you give your partner within 30 minutes. If the PR is met then your partner has to do extra work around the house for a week. If the challenge isn’t met then the next time you have sex they’re allowed to do what they want but you aren’t allowed to do what you want. This is just one example of an infinite amount of challenges and punishments you guys can come up with.
Get Kinkier Than Usual
Get a little kinkier than usual. Get creative with a blindfold, get creative with some bondage, think of something kinky that both of you want to try and go for it!
Make Everyday Situations Sexy
Make everyday occurrences hot and steamy! Every time a commercial comes on, both of you take off an article of clothing. Decide on certain “trigger words” that neither of you can say, and every time one of you accidentally says a trigger word you have to talk dirty to your partner for 15 seconds. Take off an article of clothing very time one of you completes a task around the house. Play regular board games and turn them into sexy board games. For every hour of overtime you get 10 extra minutes of pleasure from your partner. Both of you can take advantage of everyday situations, use them to create your own sexy games!
Recreate Iconic Movie Scenes
Recreate iconic movie scenes, and recreate your favorite porn scenes! Investing in this one will be more than worth it, and it’s a great way to turn your fantasies into reality.
Try New Things
Try new things, new positions, new fantasies, new games, and anything else that comes up on your radar! Being curious and spontaneous will keep your sexual relationship alive and well for a long time.
Consult an Expert/Expert Material
Consult an expert and expert material if you’d like, especially if you’re in a long-term relationship. Sexual health therapists are out there, and finding them is as easy as clicking on a link.
“The Game” is very complicated and has a high entry bar. It’s quite difficult to pull everything together and do what it takes to have a healthy sexual relationship, especially over a long period of time, and I commend you for doing so. Thank you so much for reading, I’ll see you in the next article!
This post was made with some help by: